After reading several birth stories lately and really enjoying each one, I started to think what if I wrote down my birth stories? It quickly left my mind, because I thought….who would want to read my story on 2 c-sections. After being encouraged by some friends, I started typing it out. It is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to be among a group of young mothers and the conversation to not turn to how we brought our sweet littles into the world. There have been times I’ve mentioned that I’m a c-section mom and gotten that look(you know the one like, maybe you just couldn't tough it out kind of look), or asked “was it planned? Why?” So I tend to not share, carrying a sense of shame about it. I started thinking about why I felt this shame, and God very clearly laid on my heart that it was time to be open about it. I’m one of those people that figures my feelings out as I talk about it, but for some reason...this is one thing I’ve held onto tightly.
I have to start with, I have always known without a shadow of a doubt…. I was going to be a mother. In whatever way that happened, it was the true desire of my heart. When Luke and I got married at 19, very quickly my mind went right to babies. Thankfully, Luke encouraged me to slow down a bit and enjoy marriage for at least a year. Ha! September 12th (1 year 4 months married!) I found out we were expecting and being the planner that I am, I immediately started thinking about my birth options and plan. My first instinct was home birth. I never once feared the idea of natural labor and delivery at home with no medical interventions and actually welcomed it. When we started corresponding with a midwife, I was in love with her and the whole idea. I knew this was what I wanted. She came over to do her initial intake meeting, and I could see the look of skepticism and uneasiness on my husband's face as we discussed the whole process. The meeting went great from my point of view and we told her we would be in contact soon. We decided to not talk about it for 2 days, pray about it and then come back together to decide. When the conversation started I knew, that his mind was set and so was mine. I bring this up because this was the first time I was able to practice true sacrifice and trust towards my husband's instinct and heart. I knew if he wasn’t comfortable with the situation that I would never completely feel at ease either. I was pouty when I explained to the midwife that we were choosing a different route, but she was totally understanding and encouraging. Looking back, God used my husband in a way I couldn’t see then, and I honestly carry only respect towards Luke for guiding us in this direction.
We started seeing a local family practitioner that I had recommended to me by several people. We met with her and felt very encouraged by her attitude and opinions on natural labor and delivery. Luke and I were in a place we both felt comfortable, and could settle into the pregnancy. I had always looked forward to carrying a baby, but it wasn't quite like I expected. I was nauseous and had no appetite all. day. long. I felt drained and fatigued, and struggled to keep energy up for my job that had a decent amount of physical labor required. That being said, I never once took for granted the amazing gift I had. Luckily, the second trimester hit and almost immediately all those symptoms were gone. I really enjoyed this time! Thank God!
As the pregnancy progressed, things started to get a little more challenging. My blood pressure started to rise, my feet and ankles were swelling and I began to lose feeling in my right leg and foot. At 34 weeks, I had almost zero feeling other than pins and needles in my right leg and my bp stayed consistently higher than it should. My doctor suggested for me to be put on bed rest for a few weeks to try and alleviate the medical issues I was having. Thankfully she didn’t push for me to be induced early, as I know some other Drs would. We all 3 agreed that we would hold off as long as possible. Three days before the actual due date my swelling and bp went higher than before, I had a consistent strong headache and I had lost feeling in both legs. We decided it was time, so I was set to be induced 1 day before my due date. That last night before a very early morning induction was so sweet. We stay home and enjoyed our time together, savoring our last night of good sleep.
We had so much anticipation on what was to come, but I was so ready to do this. I knew I could! I had Luke and my lovely doula friend there with me. The pitocin started in the wee hours of the morning and within 15 minutes I had contractions going every minute. The nurses were wonderful at CRH, they helped me immensely. But because I was a first time young mom and the type to internalize and breath through contractions, I got the feeling that they didn't believe me when I would express how close together and strong my contractions were coming. By 12pm, my doctor arrived and it was so great to see her face. Considering how active labor had been, everyone was expecting me to at least be several cm dilated. Not the case at all, I was maybe ½ cm dilated.
Feeling discouraged but still intent that I was in this for the long haul, I asked what we could do to speed this along. It was decided that a Foley catheter would be helpful. It quickly fell out, putting me at 4 cms. I was so encouraged that things were finally rolling and we would see our girl soon. I continued walking around, squatting on the birth ball, breathing, hanging out on all 4s, etc...anything to get things moving. By 5pm, my contractions were back to back, every 30 seconds and excruciating. At this point, I was checked again and hadn't made any more progress. I can't begin to explain the disappointment I felt. My doctor recommended it may be time to break my water and also have an internal monitor placed to better track the contractions. Immediately, it started to register just as I was saying, back to back and off the charts. After we tracked contractions for a while the monitor was removed and they lowered the pitocin. I was then able to get a little bit longer break between contractions and start moving around better, hoping this would help the process along.
19 hrs in and I asked to be check again. I was so sure that I would have made progress considering I had been in very active labor all day and had been pro-active in helping the process. Much to our dismay, I had made zero progress. I was not thinned out. Reese had not lowered any.
Even at this point, no one suggested or brought up c-section. I realize now that I might be in the minority with being so supported and having people around that trusted the process to do this the natural way. I am not blind to the fact that sometimes Drs begin encouraging interventions long before this point and make women feel scared into a decision. That is not the story I had, and in fact it is quite the opposite.
We decided to stick it out longer but I was going to need a little help with pain management, and hoped that I could relax to help dilation. Nubain was a God send. The best way I can describe Nubain is, it doesn’t lessen or take away the pain it just made me loopy enough to not care as much! Several hours more had passed (my due date now) and suddenly things changed very quickly.
Reese’s heart rate started to plummet with each contraction, which at this point was about every minute. Each time her heart rate going lower and lower as my blood pressure started to rise. I could feel the urgency and the atmosphere of everyone around me start to change, but I started to get a calmness around me even with the pain. I was in continuous prayer asking God to reveal what we should do. My doctor came in after being a trooper and sticking with me now over 24 hrs. She sat at the end of my bed, rubbed my foot, and told me that she was so impressed with how hard I had worked at bringing our baby to this world. She started sharing the facts of the situation with us, telling me all the options and possible scenarios. She told me in her best opinion, for both of our safety that she recommend a c-section. She was going to give us some time to talk alone and decide.
I looked at Luke, who had a look on his face that I had never seen from him. I knew. He knew. C-section it was. From that point on things started moving really quickly. I was prepped and in the OR not long after. I remember being wheeled down the hall, at which point Luke couldn't come until right before the incision was made. That was the first time, I felt scared and alone. The spinal was being placed and the anesthesiologist hit a nerve in my back. I ended up involuntarily kicking my dr right in the shin! The first bit of relief I had in over a whole day. I was still feeling some of the effects of Nubain and I remember yelling to the obgyn over and over...Don’t cut me before I'm numb! Finally his reply was “Did you feel that, because I just pinched you really hard.” I still laugh at how obnoxious Nubain made me!
Finally, Luke came in and it was time to meet our girl. The doctor reached in and pulled out our beautiful screaming perfectly healthy daughter, Reese.
Up until this point, I've never shared these pictures. In a way, I’ve felt a sense of shame. I realize that's ridiculous, but it's just been a feeling I couldn't shake. I wanted the beautiful pictures you see... mom and baby blissfully bonding seconds after birth. I hate that I was strapped to a table. I didn't just want it, I fought as hard as my body would allow and for a long time to have that experience. I have at times carried resentment towards women who just seem to pop out kids no issue, or women who don’t really care about how beautiful the process can be. I cared. A lot. And I felt like that experience was taken away from me. No ones fault, just something that happened
My hospital is great, so Reese was wheeled back into my hospital room to be taken care of, Luke by her side the whole time. I am then sent to the same room to recover. No long stay in recovery away from baby and family. We were in the same room. That is HUGE people! This has not always been the case for c-section moms. I was able to do skin to skin and nurse her for the first time, within 30 mins of being born. Looking back on this, I was lucky. I was blessed with wonderful staff and hospital, a supportive husband who stuck by my side and most importantly a healthy baby girl.
Recovery for me was hard. Very hard. It was explained to me because I labored so long that it usually makes recovery from the surgery worse. I remember getting out of bed the first time, and screaming. No screams during labor, but recovery had me wincing at any slight movement. Even with all that pain, I looked at Luke on day 2 and said “I’m ready for the next one!” I was just so in love with Reese and felt like I could do that a million times if I needed to.
If I say it doesn’t matter to me that I didn't have the birth experience I wanted, I would be lying. Through years of prayer, and hearing so many other stories...I'm finally able to accept it. This story is mine. And it's beautiful. Because I’m still here and Reese is here. That's what matters. I remember right after, my mom saying something like "Thank God for modern medicine because many years ago you both might have not made it through this." Ultimately, I would do it over and over again, if it meant being given such a gift as my children. When I look at this beautiful funny almost 4 year old, I don’t see a c-section baby. I don’t see over a day of hard labor. I don’t see anything, but perfection. Because in our eyes, that's what our kids are….perfect.
And if anything good comes from this blog I want anyone reading this blog (including myself) to realize…..
If you had a c-section, you are a good mom. I am a good mom.
If you had a natural delivery, you are a good mom.
If you got an epidural, you are a good mom.
If you adopted your little one, you are a good mom.
If you had the horrible tragedy of losing a baby through miscarriage, still-birth, or lose of an infant, you are still and always will be a good mom.
(***Part 2: Porter’s story to follow at some point. Thanks for reading.***)
